Zombie Survival Guide

Last night Ammex and I were able to secure tickets to the movie World War Z. I say secure because it had its highly anticipated opening was just this past Friday. We have become fairly keen on the AVX theater, as we are able to pick out our seats a head of time online when purchasing tickets, and thus, making it more flexible for our arrival time to the theater as our seats are assured.

When you live in a small town that is more than an hour east of Edmonton, travel time must be taken into consideration for everything that you do, beyond visiting the worlds largest Mallard duck, cause that's just down the block.

Now I am a huge fan of Max Brooks, owning both the book World War Z that the movie was a loosely based off of and the Zombie Survival Guide. The latter got me thinking: if they can publish a book on how to survive the zombie apocalypse, why have I not been able to find a survival guide for "small town Alberta"?

Here are a few tips (in no particular order) that I have complied in the last couple of months to ease my city living lifestyle into one of a small town:

1. Costco Membership: prior to moving out to the small town, I had managed to not step foot into a Costco store. My first trip in, I was so overwhelmed that I could barely eat the countless number of free samples. Having one of these memberships just simply saves you money. You do not run out of things as fast, which in turn means less grocery shopping trips. The only downside is, if your freezer is not organized, you may forget what you actually have stashed away.

2. A Large Capacity Wine Rack: when the power goes out during a summer storm and your sitting there with candles lit, time to bust out the wine. When the neighbors farm dog that runs loose every Tuesday night, roots through your garbage that you set outside for the next morning, time to bust out the wine. When the town postie refuses to give you your mail because she has a breakdown, time to bust out the wine. When the same postie sees a pay stub from the professional team that your associated with, and bends over backwards being nice, time to bust out the wine. When its rush hour on any day of the week and the streets are eerily silent, bust out that wine cause that's just creepy. I am fully realizing that people were not kidding when they say "Small towns drive you to drink"...I am now accepting suggestions for support group locations...or recommendations on new red wines to try.

3. Commuter Vehicle: when I moved out here I drove this incredibly sexy black on black Mazda Speed 3. It had 263 ponies under the hood (turbo engine zoom zoom!), 4 doors, a hatchback, 6 speed transmission, and Bose surround sound came standard. Problem: it took premium fuel. That was written in bold in the manual, and again on the flap that covered the fuel tank. With premium sitting around $1.25-$1.75 depending on where/when I filled up, and with traveling back and forth to Edmonton 6 days a week, I was putting 1000-1200 kms per week, filling up literally every second day. The Mazda had a 55L tank. With Ammex's quick thinking, and much much convincing on my part, I sold the Mazda and purchased a black on black, 6 speed manual transmission VW Golf...its 2 full feet shorter than the Mazda, still has a hatch, 3 years newer and takes diesel. I filled up today from basically empty to the tune of $55...and I will probably get 850-1000kms out of the tank before I have to fill up again...maybe more if I actually do the speed limit.

4. An "In" with the Local Police: I have this one covered in spades, problem is I live with him. I also receive driving lessons every time we go for date night and its my turn to drive. Don't get me wrong, I am fairly appreciative of Ammex's cautions...its all about saving me money and demerit points, but its enough to make me want to drive with a  extra long curly straw in a wine bottle...which apparently, according to Ammex, is "somewhat" illegal.

5. Understanding Friends: without this I honestly would be lost. I unfortunately cannot meet up at random times for coffee or Pho anymore...it all has to be preplanned. What usually happens is that I try to double or triple up on things that I need to do (like Costco or work) and then meet people for whatever we have planned. Most times I ask if its okay for me to bring Ammex along, cause being stuck in the small town as often as he is due to work, I fear for his socialization abilities...when he starts to get the look of being feral, I book a BBQ excursion for him at a friends house that has like minded dudes that he can talk with. My friends are so understanding, that some of them are actually coming out to visit me, now this means a sleepover, and its something that I haven't done since my pre teen years.

There are a few more things that I have learned in the last few months that helps to not only ease your transition from city living to one of a small town, but ensures you keep some sanity. Cause if your not careful, you can easily become a zombie living in a small town.

Inviting Gretzky

Over the last couple of weeks, Ammex and I have decided on a number of large things regarding our wedding, most notably our venue and respective wedding attendants on both sides. A few things remain regarding the reception, but its nothing pressing.

What is pressing is getting the invitations out.

I have self admittedly become an invitation snob. I pulled out all the wedding invites that I have received in the last 5 years (holy crap there were a ton!) and I have been scrutinizing every invitation that we have received in the last couple of weeks.

Card stock, paper weight, matte or glossy finish, photo or not, RSVP & registry cards, home made or professionally printed, ribbon or no, gems, feathers, colors, font, dress codes, theme of the wedding clearly stated or no, presented by the parents or just the bride/groom...no detail was overlooked.

When doing some research on not only products but testimonials from other brides, I came to the conclusion that it would be easier to order invitations from a professional  printer...easier cost wise and labor intensive wise. I heard some outrageously funny stories about how printers were not configured to print a certain size of precut paper, and how much mess hot glue guns make when you go to actually use one. Mind you, I have heard nightmares about how brides were left scrambling when the professional printer made a mistake. I figure, if I leave myself a buffer time wise, I should be okay.

But when thinking about the invitations, who they are addressed to also cropped up. Both Ammex and I have a diverse mélange of friends. And both of us are the "black sheep" of our respective families. Each of us has maintained that with a Vegas wedding, everyone gets an invitation. Its one of those places where attendees can plan for months in advance, or just hop a plane the night before, its just that flexible.

I have however maintained that certain people from my side of the family WILL NOT be invited, namely my mother. Now I realize that this may be slightly odd for most readers, but in a nutshell, Debbie and I haven't talked or seen eye to eye on any issue, in going on 10 years now. I do not see a reason to start now.  In fact, I've given the title of "mom" over to my step mother Mary.

Now this brings me to a conversation I had with the wedding planner at our venue in Vegas a few weeks ago. I was explaining that the color scheme for the wedding is the same as the pro hockey team that is in my town, and that I have been associated with over the last 3 years. The poor lady, from Texas originally, had zero idea what hockey was or that the playoffs were still occurring. She apologized, but did ask some simple questions surrounding the game so that she could get the gist of Canada's national sport. She then asked where Edmonton was and how far north and she said it sounded familiar but wasn't sure why.

I asked her if she knew who Wayne Gretzky was, and there was an audible inhalation on the other end of the phone, followed by the response in a very hushed heavy voice "Oh my, yes, yes I do...he's an incredible talented athlete that is very attractive and wealthy...will he be in attendance?" I laughed and said "Probably not".  "Will he be invited" she asked, "I can send an invite yes" "Will he attend?" she asked "Probably not" was my response. "Well I am sure that he would love to know about your wedding, and you never know he may just show up. Oh I hope he brings Janet! Shes gorgeous" was her excited reply.

So, if I am hosting a wedding in a location where both Ammex and I agree that everyone gets an invite, like everyone and if I send an invite to the Great One himself, by etiquette standards that means I should invite Debbie. Not going to lie, I am pretty torn about the situation. What kind of a person does it make me if I am willing to invite a perfect (yet famous) stranger to a wedding and not the woman who gave me life?

Its going to cost me just under $5 to send the invitation (stamp, envelope and printing costs combined). After so long, I would really like to bury the hatchet...and meet the Great One.